Stillness

Immediacy or lack thereof

accountability, Immediacy, self improvement, writing

I want to write today about something that I have struggled with for years. This has not only caused me wasted time, energy and stress/anxiety but I have also suffered financially as a result. What I am talking about is immediacy.

The definition that keeps popping up and one from the Oxford dictionary is “the quality of bringing one into direct and instant involvement with something, giving rise to a sense of urgency or excitement”.

For me. my ‘excuse’ is that I am too busy doing other things to stop doing those and focus on something that needs my attention now. My brain knows that with certain things that is what I need to do however I still do not do it. To be respectful to myself, I have to say that I often try and challenge this and vow to be more immediate and not let things pile up. I have good intentions but they do not always transpire hence I am sat at my writing bureau (ooh exciting to say that) surrounded by papers that are on my sorting pile.

Now, for anyone reading right now I have to say that I have recently completed my tax return for my counselling practice and with that I organized, checked and filed my first three years of business away. All neat and tidy, receipts and invoices in check, all accounted for and as organised as could be which makes me very proud.

What I am mainly talking about is little bits of paper with things noted down, invoices that need checking, making sure I have been paid correctly. No ‘big’ jobs, more like itty bitty jobs that get left, put on the to do pile, get left at the bottom of my work bag or other bag. It then takes me twice as long because I have not dealt with them in the moment. That missed day then turns into two and before I realise a full week has passed (or a few). Does this ever happen to you?

It does frustrate me especially as I am getting the rest of my life so much more organised. Having a place for everything and having tidy, minimal drawers. The frustration I feel is that it makes life harder for me. I make my life harder and I promised myself about a year or two ago that I would stop doing this.

No need to start worrying, I am not on a beat myself up mission. I am merely wanting to get out in the open an area that is still an issue for me. Take an example from approximately one year ago (yes one year). I sold a fragile item to someone and had to have it posted. It apparently got damaged. I use the word apparently as I always had a weird, gut feeling about not posting it to this person however I went against my gut and this is what happened.

Jumping forward, I kept putting the refund papers in my bag and then getting them out. I did this many times. These papers were at the bottom of many bags. “I will do it today” I would say and never did. Then the papers sat on my studio stairs waiting for god to sort them I think, who knows. All I know is that those papers sat on those stairs for months despite me always thinking “I’m never going to get that refund now” and despite really needing that money. Still I did not deal with those papers until I sat at my bureau and got out the papers today.

I looked at them and realised to my horror that this was from March 2018. There is a three month time scale for refunds and even though I would have a go I can not find where the photos are stored. This leads me to think “well it’s your own fault” and there is a feeling of justice that this is my consequence for not sorting this out straight away. I guess this sounds a bit like beating myself up but I guess it is foolish to lose money you can not afford to lose.

Back to the here and now and I want to get better at this, I want to try (again) and this is all that I can do. I will say that I am very diligent in the work that I do when I start the ball rolling which is a positive, I just need to learn how to start rolling those balls earlier.

With much hope and encouragement (and hopefully no more financial loss)

Sophie Marie xx

The Power of Meditation

Meditation, Self love, Self respect, Uncategorized

My connection with meditation started a few years ago with meditation drop in sessions at the Buddhist centre. The voice and words of the Buddhist monk hypnotized me in a way that stuck with me and even though I did not keep a regular routine I never forgot the feeling.

About a year ago (or was it two) I was lucky enough to attend a meditation course as part of a support package that I received through a domestic abuse charity. It was one of the most powerful experiences, a feeling of true connectedness, real honest engagement and a collective feeling and embodiment of hope.

On one occassion whilst in the middle of a mindful yoga practice, I had a huge awakening. We were told to do as little or as much as we were able to do of the moves, to work with our own body. This one moment I felt different, emotional, different feelings ran through me and I couldn’t stop them.

I consciously limited my movement to what was comfortable and did not push myself as I always would. This was a strange feeling for me however it felt good, kind and loving to myself. It was at this pinnacle moment that my life changed for the better. I had finally got to the point where my mind (not my body) said “no more”. No more pushing myself too hard, doing more and more. It was in this moment that I realised how hard I had been on myself all my life, how much I pushed myself and I hadn’t realised quite how much until that moment. It was very emotional for me and I shared the emotion and the impact with the others in my group. They were all so supportive and I felt very safe. Safe to be in the room and more importantly safe to be myself.

A big down period followed which was the hardest drop I had experienced or so it felt. It was at this time that I started to grieve. I was grieving for what I had failed to give to myself, the lack of self love, the lack of understanding, the lack of compassion, the lack of respect. I was grieving myself. It wasn’t the first time that I had grieved over myself so I was aware of the experience. I remember at that time saying that I felt like I had been running with lots and lots of horses and I was always up top with the other horses following me behind and then all of a sudden the horse at the top (me) came to a halt, a stumble almost and then a stop and then everyone or as it felt at the time everything came crashing down on top of me. It was no wonder I felt so down and for a long period of time, it was a huge load that had come crashing down into me.

Fast forward to my life now and back to meditation. I am going through quite a challenging time at the moment however I have still been meditating every night and it is still having a massive effect on me. It is not a long meditation, sometimes ten minutes sometimes a little longer however the time period is irrelevant. It is the fact that I am giving myself that time, that self love, showing myself that level of self respect and what it does is almost like having a protective bubble around you. It is a healthy, safe protection with good energy and it radiates from me. The difficult things still touch me however they sort of bounce off rather than filter. The negativity from external sources can not penetrate and with every ping back comes an increase in confidence and energy and light.

There is a feeling, deep within me and that feeling is one of peace and love and happiness. I am at one with God, the world, people, myself, everything. It is a feeling of deep, true connectedness and it feels truly amazing. I said to myself today as I was walking home in the cold, crisp air “you know you are truly, truly happy when you are going through really challenging times yet you still feel and know you are the luckiest person in the world and blessed”. This feeling is priceless. I am always truly blessed.

I feel blessed to be here, to be writing to you, to be feeling and seeing and loving. I am free.

With much love and true blessings

Sophie Marie xxx