I know. I can feel it. There is a power deep within me, a feeling that something important is just around the corner. I believe it. I have faith in myself, the universe and God. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I have the results to show for it. I know that if I focus and apply the same work ethic on the next chapter in my life and career, I will start living more fully in my new consciousness.
I have already written so much on my book and I am now ready to focus my time, energy and effort to reconnecting with it. I have a second book idea. This will be my way of collating all of my knowledge, skills, emotions and experience and assembling it into an easy to read, simple but effective book. I am ready to share what I know with the world. In a way, it is like counselling the world. I am working to utilize my counselling and life experience so that I can deliver this to a bigger audience.
I used to have a deep fear of connection. As I write that I am shocked. To practice what I preach I will stay with it. I used to be afraid that if I gave certain parts of myself to others and/or shared too much that I would get taken advantage of. I also feared that people would use what I say or do in a negative way, again to take something away from me. I was so protective of what I perceived to be ‘mine’ that I clung to it. I unconsciously believed that this was how I could keep that part, that knowledge, me safe. I am so in the moment now that I feel very deeply the beginning of a powerful force. I feel that I have awoken to another level of consciousness. This level no longer feels like catch up as the previous levels have. This feels different. I feel as though I am where I should be. This doesn’t feel quite right. I ponder on this for a moment until the feeling reveals itself. I feel as though I am where I am meant to be. This is big. I am taking some time to really feel this in my body. I will let it run through me, across me, all over me and penetrate me. This is not a moment to rush through. This is a moment to connect more deeply with myself, with God and with the universe. I feel a great stillness in me as I sit here typing. I will end this part here in order that I sit or probably lay down and allow myself the time to really feel, connect and love.
For me, like my home my clothes are a big part of who I am and is another way that I can embrace being me. I do not like to look like anyone else and I do not like to wear whatever is ‘in fashion’. This is just another way that people conform to the masses, look like robots and follow each other. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why people do this. I always say I do not like to look like anyone else but what that really means to me is that I just want to be me. I always knew that I thought about life and clothes in a different way to others and this at times has caused me to wonder what was wrong with me. Why did I think one way when a lot of people who I knew or were around seemed to view the world differently. I have written before about how I used to be when I was younger, in primary school. This was the true representation of who I was. Quietly confident in who I was and what I liked even though this was sometimes random or ununusual. I didn’t care. I did not even think about it. I just did. I just was and I was free.
When you experience trauma in your life, it changes you. Simple. Trauma changes life as you know it, trauma changes you, trauma changed me. It affects every single aspect of your life. The way you see the world, the way you view people, your own safety or lack of it, the way that you see yourself, the way that you present yourself. As I write this, hiding is the big word that keeps popping up. I do not want to write too much just now on this as I feel a poem will best help me to put this into words. When I write I like to feel. Sometimes, the words only feel surface and I feel that I want to go deeper and express more. It must be time, I must be ready and it feels safe. It feels special and important and something that I want to share. I remember when I kept everything to myself. All my struggles, all my pain. I am now in a place where I no longer want to hide, I just want to share. I want to share and inspire. I hope to inspire, just be being me. When we think we have to do more, be more. When I finally accepted that I am enough as I am, my life started changing for the better. When I stopped, I started. It is a big fear for lots of people that if they slow down, rest or stop then everything will crash down. You do have to experience it for yourself but I can tell you honestly from my own experience that the opposite is so true. The more you stop, the more you can keep going and growing. It feels magical. It is magical but not magic. It is real, it is you. You are not different, you have just gone deeper. You have touched a depth in your soul that turns on a light so powerful it can never extinguish. If you feel like the light has gone, dimmed down then don’t look outward, go deeper within. Deeper within you.
For now I will leave you with this as I want to walk and reflect before I write more.
Thank you for the pleasure of reading my thoughts, supporting me in my journey and enabling me to support and inspire others.
With love as always
Sophie Marie x