If you are waiting to become a finished product you are waiting for death

Darkness, Faith, Growth, Hope, Inner child, Inspire, Never give up, Reconnecting, Self love, Small steps, Vulnerability, writing

I am aware of the harsh title of this blog however it is time to start living your life now. We have all done it and said it, many times. “When I get a better job I will be sorted”. “When I lose weight life will be great”. This place, this time, this “when” is now and can only ever be now. We are not alive in the past nor in the future. If either of these places is how you travel through your life then stop and reflect on where you are going. It is only by being right here in this very moment and connecting with now that you touch ‘alive’. You touch life.

Reaching this level of consciousness, this level of awareness requires visiting some dark places. I am not going to lie and say this is easy however I know for a fact that it is never as bad as how you imagined it to be. The unknown always appears larger than it actually is. Getting to the point of knowing that something has to change, you have to change brings every emotion out of the woodwork.

There is a knowing deep inside of you that is calling you. It is not scientific or magical in that sense. It is something very beautiful. It is you.

Your true self, your younger self, your innocent self wants to meet up. You want to connect. You need to connect. Without connection there is a disconnect. With disconnection there is separation. With separation you are alone.

We all know that you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. It is a horrific feeling at times. Somewhere along the journey of your life you left a part(s) of yourself and they are missing you. They have been trying to tell you for a long time but you have not been listening. When you didn’t listen I cried. I still needed you so I tried to get your attention in different ways. When I shouted at you I hurt you. I am not sorry. I did that out of love, for you. I love you and I just wouldn’t stop trying to tell you until you heard me. That is what real love is. It is not flowers and chocolates. It is not dishonesty. It is honest and brave and relentless. It will never give up on you. You are just not listening, not open. You need to be open to receive. Open your heart to love. Open your heart to you.

Love

Sophie Marie x

Letting go to reach a higher level of being

Creative brain, Growth, Letting go, Organisation, Reconnecting, self improvement, Stuck, writing

How many different emotions have you experienced since yesterday? Me, tons and I am currently feeling a variety of things which is causing some discomfort. I think the biggest feeling washing over me right now is that of something being stuck in me that I want to rid myself of. Sounds weird I know but try and stay with me as I try and stay with myself. My brain is amazing, well I think so and it is also annoying. I have always told people that for me my brain is a blessing and a curse (I am sure all you creative individuals are with me on that one).

To have a brain that will not just settle for the standard, the everyday sort of thoughts. Hell no, my brain is so active today that I have worked so hard already and also have not done one simple thing. Are you still with me? What I mean by this is that I have thought about a million different ideas, creative thoughts, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I need to get out of my head, how I need (or is it want or both) to make my site look even more professional. Aargh. Too much.

I have had a very creative week with new pieces of art, more interior styling and decorating in my house, new creative ideas and now I am at the too many thoughts I can’t focus stage which I know every creative feels and probably hates. It is an infuriating stage, you get fed up with yourself, I feel like I am working so hard but not getting anywhere at all and so I try harder to no avail. This is when I hear the words “stop” screaming out at myself. I need to practice what I preach and just stop.

I felt a familiar feeling today which is when I feel like there is loads of stuff inside me, screaming to be let out but for some reason I keep it in and it pushes harder and screams louder at me. Let me out. Let me out. Let me out.

I took this today that I need to write and here I am. It is a feeling that there are lots of things inside me that need to come out and at the time I theredo not know how they need to come out, just that they need to come out. I feel stifled, untidy, there is a feeling of dirtiness like I need to get more organising done. I know it is all psychological as I know my mind and my body and how it talks to me or tries to talk to me.

For a few weeks I have felt that I am moving on to another level again, moving further up. When this happens it is as though there is a mountain of junk built up that needs to be disposed of. In reality this is not the case as my home (apart from my washing up that needs doing) is tidy, organised and is extremely clean and fresh after I spent the weekend cleaning and creating equilibrium. I get a rush of feelings where I feel the need to dispose of things. As I get to a new level in my personal development, there are things that are then just hanging around, flapping about loose, just getting in the way, tripping me up and needing to go. I can’t simply tip myself upside down and shake the redundant out of me, however that would be so much simpler. For me that equates to “ooh what can I get rid of”.

It is my minds way of telling me that I have reached a newer state of being and I need to let go of emotions/feelings/times/experiences that are no longer serving me and are literally tripping me up. Around this time there is a state of unease, it is uncomfortable but necessary. I am aware that not everyone will experience it like me as I am unique to my own path. I am sure people that continually work on their own being, their own self development, in a constant state of evolving will experience similarities.

The uncomfortable feeling is one where I want to cry a bit and scream. The tears are not of sadness, more of frustration and as I type more I let out a massive sigh. Ooh, that feels better. I feel easier in myself, freer so I know what I needed and by giving that to myself I am able to help myself which in turn gives me my power back.

Having a creative mind and the personality type that I have (INFP) in case you were wondering I am always at great depth. For some people they may see this as me being lost in my own world and there is often a negative connotation with that. People say that to children a lot like being in their own world is a bad thing. Why is being in your own world bad? Who else’s world should you and I be in?

It is easy for people to understand what is in front of them, what is known to them, what they can easily follow however the unknown to anyone is difficult. We need to see greatness in difference, greatness in the unknown as well as fear. It is only when you are willing and or brave enough to enter the unknown that you start to change, to grow and to feel more. Until you know me better, I am all about the feelings. I live at great depth, with great soul and I connect with nature, communication and anything and everything that is real, honest and alive. This is how my world is. I can not be myself and operate on a superficial level as this is not my level. For some this is too much and this is fine. For others they find this interesting, intriguing. For the remaining few where are you? I need to connect. I need to be me and so I write, I create and this is how I interact with the world and myself.

The more I write and follow my creative path the more I have to continue. You know it is your life path as it is not only a want but more strongly a need. Like needing air to breathe. Creativity is my oxygen. To have the ability to express myself in numerous creative ways is a blessing. For all the struggles it creates, I would not change me for a moment. I am as always truly blessed for every part of me and my life and my brain. It is creativity that brings life to the world. I don’t choose to exist in the world, I choose to live. Do you?

With much love and kindness

Sophie Marie x

Stillness

Immediacy or lack thereof

accountability, Immediacy, self improvement, writing

I want to write today about something that I have struggled with for years. This has not only caused me wasted time, energy and stress/anxiety but I have also suffered financially as a result. What I am talking about is immediacy.

The definition that keeps popping up and one from the Oxford dictionary is “the quality of bringing one into direct and instant involvement with something, giving rise to a sense of urgency or excitement”.

For me. my ‘excuse’ is that I am too busy doing other things to stop doing those and focus on something that needs my attention now. My brain knows that with certain things that is what I need to do however I still do not do it. To be respectful to myself, I have to say that I often try and challenge this and vow to be more immediate and not let things pile up. I have good intentions but they do not always transpire hence I am sat at my writing bureau (ooh exciting to say that) surrounded by papers that are on my sorting pile.

Now, for anyone reading right now I have to say that I have recently completed my tax return for my counselling practice and with that I organized, checked and filed my first three years of business away. All neat and tidy, receipts and invoices in check, all accounted for and as organised as could be which makes me very proud.

What I am mainly talking about is little bits of paper with things noted down, invoices that need checking, making sure I have been paid correctly. No ‘big’ jobs, more like itty bitty jobs that get left, put on the to do pile, get left at the bottom of my work bag or other bag. It then takes me twice as long because I have not dealt with them in the moment. That missed day then turns into two and before I realise a full week has passed (or a few). Does this ever happen to you?

It does frustrate me especially as I am getting the rest of my life so much more organised. Having a place for everything and having tidy, minimal drawers. The frustration I feel is that it makes life harder for me. I make my life harder and I promised myself about a year or two ago that I would stop doing this.

No need to start worrying, I am not on a beat myself up mission. I am merely wanting to get out in the open an area that is still an issue for me. Take an example from approximately one year ago (yes one year). I sold a fragile item to someone and had to have it posted. It apparently got damaged. I use the word apparently as I always had a weird, gut feeling about not posting it to this person however I went against my gut and this is what happened.

Jumping forward, I kept putting the refund papers in my bag and then getting them out. I did this many times. These papers were at the bottom of many bags. “I will do it today” I would say and never did. Then the papers sat on my studio stairs waiting for god to sort them I think, who knows. All I know is that those papers sat on those stairs for months despite me always thinking “I’m never going to get that refund now” and despite really needing that money. Still I did not deal with those papers until I sat at my bureau and got out the papers today.

I looked at them and realised to my horror that this was from March 2018. There is a three month time scale for refunds and even though I would have a go I can not find where the photos are stored. This leads me to think “well it’s your own fault” and there is a feeling of justice that this is my consequence for not sorting this out straight away. I guess this sounds a bit like beating myself up but I guess it is foolish to lose money you can not afford to lose.

Back to the here and now and I want to get better at this, I want to try (again) and this is all that I can do. I will say that I am very diligent in the work that I do when I start the ball rolling which is a positive, I just need to learn how to start rolling those balls earlier.

With much hope and encouragement (and hopefully no more financial loss)

Sophie Marie xx