It has been a little while since I wrote. I have been working hard getting more paperwork up to date and cleaning out my studio.
I have known for a while that I need to speak with more confidence and conviction about my work as an artist. My daughter used to laugh and I shamed at my pathetic, under the breath acceptance of my art. Even more embarrassing was my hopeless fumble of words, uttering something about resin when asked about my style of art. I could laugh about it however I knew there was still a disconnect with my expression of the kind of art that I produce.
Looking at the positives, I had a very natural conversation a couple of weeks ago where I proactively described myself as a contemporary abstract artist with nothing but confidence and pride. I also happily connected this person to my website and we talked freely about creativity and the work that we do. It was truly refreshing and it felt very natural and easy. I felt at my most alive talking about my creative endeavours, just like I do when I am creating or writing. It felt really nice and something that I want to feel more.
We also spoke about blockages to creating and allowing things in our life to get in the way of what we want to be doing. This is what bubbles my excitement as it is why I do the work I do and why I live the life that I now live. In my work as a mental health counsellor, an artist and writing my blog I work to inspire people to be who they are and to live their own life rather than following another’s path. When I talk about my creative life it opens up others to do the same and they can then do the same. It is what I call the ‘inspirational cycle. We can all inspire each other and we should all inspire each other. It just starts with one word, one conversation.
I want to show the world my art, share my thoughts, my challenges, my inspirations, my life and how I am still the happiest I have ever been in my life. It now sounds silly to describe it this way as I know it is not temporary. My happiness is not dependent on external events. I am happy because I choose to be happy and to live life the way I know keeps me happy. There is no other way.
Don’t just choose happy. Choose to do the work that keeps you happy. Not temporary happiness. Happiness at your core. Happiness that makes you ‘you’.
Nothing has been so true recently as the statement “when you know you know”. I have just spent a lovely couple of hours with a friend for lunch and cake (obviously). I felt so confident talking about my life now and how you know when your life is going in the right direction. It felt so warming for me to be excited talking about all the work that I am doing on my website. Despite the struggles with technology, I never give up as I know I will get where I want to go. When you are doing something out of your comfort zone like me and computers it is hard. The sense of pride and achievement I feel cracking new things every day and learning from each experience is fantastic and one which I do not ever want to stop.
I spoke today about how my brain works and how I think and perceive the world. My emotions and feelings are at the forefront of everything that I do and believe in. I realise now that my feelings of not fitting in, being different were because I was trying to live in the world rather than living in my world. I often fought between the two as I was always trying to come out which was really hard at times. I did feel different and I know I am different however I now embrace that. I know for lots of people who view the world in their creative way are perceived as different and there is a negative surrounding this. I know now that being different for is simply being me and there is no greater, enriching experience.
You have to take the leap of faith to take an unknown path. Only then will you know whether the road is the right one for you. How do you know? Simple. You just do. It just feels right. Everything that you do feels natural and honest and pure. You feel scared and excited at the same time. You get excited by what is yet to come. You want to live your art every single second of the day because it is so fulfilling. Your life fills you up, with goodness. You feel wholesome. You feel love. Love within and love all around. You light up when you talk about your life and you know this because you feel it within. You can see yourself shining bright and you want to spread that feeling, share that with others.
For many years of my life I hid myself away, scared and alone. It was what I learnt to do, to retreat to my inner world. This was how I felt safe. My inner world was my sanctuary and still is, only in a different way. Before, I did not want anyone to come near my world let alone come in. My experiences taught me that people would take something from me, take me from me if I let them in. I was not prepared to let that happen. I have grown and developed so much. By accepting who I am at my core and embracing myself, I am able to understand that people can only take from me if I let them. They can try but they will not succeed.
From hiding to learning to connect with people. I now want to share my whole self with all of my friends and others. I can not be any other way. I do not try and be something or someone that I am not. This does not fit with me anymore. I can not fake it. I can only be me and I only want to be me. I am truly blessed that I am at this level of connection with myself. I want to share not just my story but my whole life with you. I want this to be a lifelong relationship and I know it will be.
I have been busy organising my portfolio with images of my art pieces. It has been challenging however I am now happy with the display that I have chosen and how I want to move forward with my site. I have a payment facility on my site and I am working on the descriptions of my pieces so that I can share my journey through each adventure with you. I was so scared to put anything out there, me out there and look at me now. I have an art/creative website that I am building from scratch with love and passion. I am learning and growing every day and with that my site is growing and developing. My site is personal to me and upholds my vision and standards as an artist, as me. I have control over what I do or do not do. I always want to do and be more. I want to be the best that I can be in any given moment and grow more creatively.
I know there is so much more inside of me. I probably haven’t touched the surface yet. It is so exciting to think what else there is. I can’t wait to experiment and work on bringing other things to the forefront. I am looking forward to working on new ideas that will help me progress in the work that I am doing. My friend is going to teach me how to use a sewing machine in a week or so which I am so excited about. I know there will be moments of wanting to tear my hair out as it is another new skill to learn from scratch. I want to use these new skills to express my creativity in another way. #bringiton
I could write all day and I may come back to you later this evening. For now, I have time with my daughter. Lots of extra hugs and kisses for her superb achievement in persuasive writing in school. #veryproudasalways
Today was the first session of a ten week free course that I had signed up for a few weeks ago. I had always pondered whether this was to be of benefit to me however added my name just in case. This morning as I thought hard about whether to attend, the overwhelming feeling that kept coming across me was that this was not for me. It was a familiar feeling and it was connected to the past.
I looked at this as not a step forward but a step back and I wondered why I would even consider going down that road. When emotions and life challenges are at a high I have a tendency to go a million percent down one path. This may be the right thing to do at the time however that does not mean it is the right path overall. I have realised that sometimes I have to revisit a path but I don’t have to stay on it. I am accepting more the paths that are temporary and serve a purpose in that moment. These paths are there for a reason, to teach me and to help me grow. I also believe that they are a test. God has been testing me a lot this week.
I want to continue supporting people along their journey and inspiring people to be their true self. The difference now is that I want to do this from where I am now. I recognise what is no longer going to serve me and which paths are already set. I do not wish to travel either of these. I want to continue on my creative path and I hope to inspire people through my own expressions of art. My writing, art and interiors. I have to connect with more people that think like I do and dream as I do. I want to be inspired by people who are living their creative life and do not apologise for it.
I realise that my latest level of awakening has embedded. The feelings of unease are no longer a part of me. I am very much aware that I have changed, I have evolved more. It is tangible within me. I can feel it very strongly. It is natural. It is me but more advanced. It feels amazing and I am as always blessed.