I am aware of the harsh title of this blog however it is time to start living your life now. We have all done it and said it, many times. “When I get a better job I will be sorted”. “When I lose weight life will be great”. This place, this time, this “when” is now and can only ever be now. We are not alive in the past nor in the future. If either of these places is how you travel through your life then stop and reflect on where you are going. It is only by being right here in this very moment and connecting with now that you touch ‘alive’. You touch life.
Reaching this level of consciousness, this level of awareness requires visiting some dark places. I am not going to lie and say this is easy however I know for a fact that it is never as bad as how you imagined it to be. The unknown always appears larger than it actually is. Getting to the point of knowing that something has to change, you have to change brings every emotion out of the woodwork.
There is a knowing deep inside of you that is calling you. It is not scientific or magical in that sense. It is something very beautiful. It is you.
Your true self, your younger self, your innocent self wants to meet up. You want to connect. You need to connect. Without connection there is a disconnect. With disconnection there is separation. With separation you are alone.
We all know that you can be in a room full of people and still be alone. It is a horrific feeling at times. Somewhere along the journey of your life you left a part(s) of yourself and they are missing you. They have been trying to tell you for a long time but you have not been listening. When you didn’t listen I cried. I still needed you so I tried to get your attention in different ways. When I shouted at you I hurt you. I am not sorry. I did that out of love, for you. I love you and I just wouldn’t stop trying to tell you until you heard me. That is what real love is. It is not flowers and chocolates. It is not dishonesty. It is honest and brave and relentless. It will never give up on you. You are just not listening, not open. You need to be open to receive. Open your heart to love. Open your heart to you.
I have been thinking for a while that I need a change of hair colour and yesterday was the day that I stopped talking about it and just did it. I looked at this colour and it stopped me in my tracks. I had a moment and in this moment I knew this was the only one that I wanted. It wasn’t a colour I had ever spoken of or thought about however it was something that I felt in that moment, in my gut and I knew it was the one. Anything that causes that deep, gut feeling is always the one. It wasn’t without fear and I did fret a bit waiting for the colour to develop (pretty instant in fact) just in case my hair turned green and or dropped out (no, I did not wait the 48 hrs as advised) but here I am and here my new hair is in all its glory and all in one piece.
There are many times in life that you have to just go with what is in your gut, what creates a deep feeling. For me it is a knowing. I have come to know that despite incorporated fear, if it gets me straight away, punches me straight in the stomach that I just need to power through the fear and do it as it is the way forward for me.
My hair is quite a transformation, the deepest of blue with a richness and opulence that envelops me. I love it, really love it. I keep grinning and I had such a good time last night at home arranging more of my artwork and I completed a new large art piece also which just added to my feeling of oneness, freedom and of being transported to a higher place. When I am going through a period of change I can feel it, it is tangible and a little scary if I am being truly honest. I can actually feel myself moving on to a different place, a shift. There is a feeling that I am letting go of something and with this is a feeling of slight disconnect for a moment, I almost lose breath for a few moments. It felt safe and slow which helped the process and despite the slight unease that goes alongside it I was surrounded by an abundance of peace and protection (alongside the soundtrack of A Star Is Born on repeat).
I know when I am stagnant and when you are stagnant you die. You have to be constantly evolving and in a state of transformation. It is like hitting an impass, nowhere else to go and you keep hitting something that is not moving. It is hard and there is no other way to go so you have to take the new path that you have been carving out for yourself (even when you don’t realise you have been). There are always crossroads in life and I have reached many. For me, it is about leaving the old paths behind (with memories and experiences in tow) in order to face head on my new path even if I don’t yet know what is on it. I believe if I am really being truly honest, at my depth I do know, yet I am scared. I know it is what I want, where I want to go, how I want to travel, however the fear of the unknown soil tugs at me and tries to make me stay. I don’t want to stay, I don’t belong there anymore. I have moved on. I have grown. I have evolved and I am happy. I choose my own life path and I will take my own path along with the fear and see where it takes me. As my daughter and I say when we are about to do something new and exciting, eek.
I hope you keep with me on my journey. I send you all encouragement and love on yours.