My connection with meditation started a few years ago with meditation drop in sessions at the Buddhist centre. The voice and words of the Buddhist monk hypnotized me in a way that stuck with me and even though I did not keep a regular routine I never forgot the feeling.
About a year ago (or was it two) I was lucky enough to attend a meditation course as part of a support package that I received through a domestic abuse charity. It was one of the most powerful experiences, a feeling of true connectedness, real honest engagement and a collective feeling and embodiment of hope.
On one occassion whilst in the middle of a mindful yoga practice, I had a huge awakening. We were told to do as little or as much as we were able to do of the moves, to work with our own body. This one moment I felt different, emotional, different feelings ran through me and I couldn’t stop them.
I consciously limited my movement to what was comfortable and did not push myself as I always would. This was a strange feeling for me however it felt good, kind and loving to myself. It was at this pinnacle moment that my life changed for the better. I had finally got to the point where my mind (not my body) said “no more”. No more pushing myself too hard, doing more and more. It was in this moment that I realised how hard I had been on myself all my life, how much I pushed myself and I hadn’t realised quite how much until that moment. It was very emotional for me and I shared the emotion and the impact with the others in my group. They were all so supportive and I felt very safe. Safe to be in the room and more importantly safe to be myself.
A big down period followed which was the hardest drop I had experienced or so it felt. It was at this time that I started to grieve. I was grieving for what I had failed to give to myself, the lack of self love, the lack of understanding, the lack of compassion, the lack of respect. I was grieving myself. It wasn’t the first time that I had grieved over myself so I was aware of the experience. I remember at that time saying that I felt like I had been running with lots and lots of horses and I was always up top with the other horses following me behind and then all of a sudden the horse at the top (me) came to a halt, a stumble almost and then a stop and then everyone or as it felt at the time everything came crashing down on top of me. It was no wonder I felt so down and for a long period of time, it was a huge load that had come crashing down into me.
Fast forward to my life now and back to meditation. I am going through quite a challenging time at the moment however I have still been meditating every night and it is still having a massive effect on me. It is not a long meditation, sometimes ten minutes sometimes a little longer however the time period is irrelevant. It is the fact that I am giving myself that time, that self love, showing myself that level of self respect and what it does is almost like having a protective bubble around you. It is a healthy, safe protection with good energy and it radiates from me. The difficult things still touch me however they sort of bounce off rather than filter. The negativity from external sources can not penetrate and with every ping back comes an increase in confidence and energy and light.
There is a feeling, deep within me and that feeling is one of peace and love and happiness. I am at one with God, the world, people, myself, everything. It is a feeling of deep, true connectedness and it feels truly amazing. I said to myself today as I was walking home in the cold, crisp air “you know you are truly, truly happy when you are going through really challenging times yet you still feel and know you are the luckiest person in the world and blessed”. This feeling is priceless. I am always truly blessed.
I feel blessed to be here, to be writing to you, to be feeling and seeing and loving. I am free.
With much love and true blessings
Sophie Marie xxx